The Light Never Went Out: Selected Poems and Writings of a Male Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Howard Weinberg (2005)

The abuse in Howard's life began when he was just three and half years old and was carried out by a small group of sadistic adults and teenagers. His is a case of repressed memories, the memories returning later in life when he was 41 years old. The effects of the abuse were devastating, although perhaps not readily recognizable when he was growing up because he participated in many "normal" activities like youth sports. But he was deeply, deeply afraid of certain things, including many social situations. As a teenager, he struggled with insecurities and direction, but did go on to college after high school, and earned a B. S. degree in business. Business was a default selection rather than an actual career choice, and he knew was in the wrong field. After graduating and working an assortment of jobs, he decided, at age 30, to return to college to study wildlife, something he had always loved. He earned a M.S. degree and after graduation worked as a biologist studying endangered birds.

Meanwhile, throughout the years he had gone to counseling on and off to address ongoing struggles he had with depression, loneliness, and related difficulties. But since the topic of child abuse never came up, the real issue was never addressed. It was about six years into his work as a biologist that the memories of child abuse began to surface, and he sought counseling in Savannah, Georgia with the Rape Crisis Center, this time addressing the correct issue. Now, almost eight years later, he has come to terms with much from his past. He has shared his experience with TV and newspaper journalists in hopes that his story and continued recovery might benefit others, and he is increasingly active in events that help those hurt by child abuse.

Why did I decide to publish these writings?

These poems are extremely personal, so why did I decide to share them? Sharing breaks the death-hold of having to keep “the secret”, and it lets other survivors know that they are not alone. Perhaps an excerpt from the introduction of the book explains:

“Lastly, I found much needed support when I read accounts by other survivors. When I read them I didn’t feel quite as alone or weird. It was important to me that they were sharing their experience. It showed me that there WERE other survivors, there WERE struggles, people DID understand, and people DID recover from their personal traumas. Sharing. It is one of the main reasons I decided to publish this collection of poems. And I don’t, by the way, make any pretense that I am a poet or that these are poems that would win a literary prize, but they are a very important way that I expressed myself and processed things. In sharing them, I share my experience. And by doing so, I hope that in these pages you see something that helps.”

Note: Some poems have strong language.

Excerpt From "Strings"

Like crazed puppeteers that won't let go.
They wildly yank and pull at the strings.
And I blindly dance as directed.
Alone.
All alone.
And trembling.

Excerpt From "What Do You Do"

What do you do when you can't do it?
When you know the walls are starting to cave,
And you can't stop them.

When logical explanations don't help.
And childhood pain,
Suffocates reason.

Excerpt From "A Gift of Thanks"

I coast over fields wet with dew
And see the morning star
Light up the earth
And my heart is warmed
My soul is cleansed
And my day is new


“This makes me laugh and cry all at once and in my opinion that is what good writing should do. This book is important because we need to hear from men as well as women who have suffered from childhood abuse. Such abuse won’t go away unless we listen to the stories of the survivors.”
Bonnie J. Collins, EdM, CSWR. Author of “Healing for Adult Survivors
of Childhood Sexual Abuse” (1998) and “The Power of Story” (2004).

“Howard courageously reveals his story of childhood sexual and physical abuse. His poetry helps us face the clear truth of childhood abuse. His struggle to transcend his experience will touch you with compassion and respect for all who suffer this burden.”
Renee Fredrickson, PhD, LP. Author of “Repressed Memories: A Journey to
Recovery from Sexual Abuse” (1992).

“Howard is truly a brave man to share a deep part of himself. For me, I find validation in his poetry that let me know that I was not the only one, that I am not alone in my experiences. From this I find strength.”
Wayne, a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

“Howard’s work is touching and speaks for so many. His words…helped me find my own.”
A female survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

“Words can not express the true gratitude I feel because Howard is sharing his writings with all of us. In our time together, I hoped this day would come. As Howard healed, he challenged me often, especially to establish an incest survivors’ group. It has been a real honor to watch survivors heal. Thank you, Howard.”
Missi Blakey, Clinical Coordinator,
The Rape Crisis Center of the Coastal Empire, Inc.

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